Strange Habit #1

I've come to the realization that as people, we all have quirks and habits that make us all unique and different in our own special, snowflake-esque ways. But I tend to do lots of strange shit, either out of habit or just spontaneous occurrence that happens entirely too often. Sometimes I think to ask other people if they have these impulses or happenstances such as these, but I can already formulate what two reactions everyone I associate myself would have. I would either receive a look of great stupor for an uncomfortable period of time or I would be privy to their own habit that is exponentially more disturbing and possibly illegal in all but a handful of countries. And I would have no way to record their priceless reactions unless I type this shit out and make my oddness known.

It's fairly common knowledge that some folks, mostly women from my findings, like to blare the radio or a CD while enjoying the relaxing sensation of a shower. In some instances, these people grab the closest microphone-like object, such as a shampoo bottle or a loofa, and begin to croon into it like a professional backup singer for someone marginally talented, except they're covered in soap suds, in the nude, and off-key. Just like the movies. But does anyone ever get the urge to spring into action mid-cleansing, throwing haymakers at the running water like some shower gelled-up version of Steven Seagal, pretending to fend off a would-be serial sodomizer that just so happened to storm into my bathroom of all places? The answer is yes: I do.

Not that I fantasize about a guy breaking into my house trying to take my anal virginity by force. That's just a scenario from movies or ADT commercials that happens to be in my mental lexicon of "Shit That Might Happen If This Door Busts Open While Washing My Ass." Sometimes it's a small-time felon trying to steal my shit and erase my existence as to not have a witness. Sometimes it's my next-door neighbor/correctional officer landlady who's gotten fed up with the constantly loud television day in and day out and the 3am pow-wows set up in the parking lot outside of her front door and feels the need to take out some frustration. Sometimes it's a gang of sexy ninjas looking to have their way with me. No matter the situation, I'll be limber enough to hold my own.

I should probably clarify that I don't go full on karate class in the shower. Just a few one-two combinations, an uppercut here or there. Maybe ten punches thrown, twenty at tops. I don't have a planned out routine down when I hop in the shower with the mindset to shadowbox twelve rounds with the showerhead. It's something that spontaneously comes to me, like scratching my nose or cracking my knuckles.

I can't rationalize exactly why I do this. Maybe it's from the tens of thousands of action movies I've seen throughout the years and the shower is a personal escape where I can act like a jackass privately. Or maybe because I'm paranoid of someone actually dropkicking my door in and becoming the next victim of a serial killer who's yet to be caught, being left lifeless, cold, and buck naked on the tile floor for my roommate to find me.

Now, I'm a man of sizable girth and some semblance of muscle tone, so that situation is fairly unlikely, but I'd feel like a punk bitch being murdered in my own damn shower by some drug addict tripping balls on something that most likely would endow him with retard strength for a window of time. I mean, if they showed my face taglined with "Victim" on the 11 o'clock news, I'd rather have a picture of a raging 'roid addict or a towering fat slob wide enough to block the bathroom door next to me captioned as "Murderer", not some rail-thin tweaker with missing teeth and reeking of urine who makes it a habit to sleep on park benches and digging through trashcans for nourishment.

And that is why I must continue training in the confines of my shower stall. Because if I get overpowered by a man half my size and end up in a bodybag, the terrorists win. Yeah, I had no idea how to end this, so I'm just going to leave it at that.